Election Day has come and gone, and I would like to take a moment to give a message to a few of my friends:
To my Republican friends: You won a BIG one. Almost nobody saw this coming, and you’ve got control of both houses and the White House. Use it well. Remember that you are entrusted with governing the entire country, not just playing to your base, and that if you overplay your hand you’ll lose the House first, then the Senate, and we’ll be right back in the soup. This is a tremendous opportunity to show Americans that Republican rule will not be the sort of dystopian hellscape Rachel Maddow would have us believe. Don’t blow it.
To my Democrat friends: You lost a BIG one, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’re not as shocked as you think you are. Hillary was one of the most flawed candidates you’ve ever put forth, and carried more baggage than a bridezilla on a world cruise. If you want to take your power back, get out of the streets, stop protesting and whining, and start voting. You lost because not enough of you got off your asses and went to the polls, it’s that simple. Your complacency was your undoing.
To the children: If Mommy and Daddy are a little upset and weepy and you’re seeing Canadian tourism brochures around the house, give them a hug and remind them that this is a democracy, and their side doesn’t always win.
To the college students: Listen up, precious snowflakes: Those of you hugging therapy dogs, taking crying breaks, skipping class and taking to the streets to protest, get over yourselves. Did you vote? If recent surveys are any indication, most of you didn’t. Even if you did vote, it is your duty as American citizens to accept the will of the people and quit blocking freeways with your angsty antics. Don’t like it? I hear Mexico City is great this time of year.